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carlisle cullen definately. least painful. and i would definately want to live afterwards. |
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all below is old. please dont go there... http://nomorethannow.blogspot.com new. but sometimes we all need a change. |
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We’ll do it all Everything On our own We don’t need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don’t quite know How to say How I feel Those three words I said too much They’re not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we’re told Before we get too old Show me a garden that’s bursting into life Let’s waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we’re told Before we get too old Show me a garden that’s bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see I don’t know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? ------------------- but how can you be not ready??? i guess some things ill never understand. flexibility. |
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Okkervil River “Black” I’m comin’ in to your town When he put you in the car Don’t lose me now, don’t lose me now Baby daughter on the road But if I could tear his throat And I’ll call some black midnight Don’t lose me now, let me help you out -------- |
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to leave this place. but i feel trapped. i cant just take ava away from her grandparents. but this urge, this burning in my stomach and pull on my heart is just telling me. GO!!! GO!!! GO!!! but where i ask myself.. i know where i want to go but keep dying, keep aching, keep breaking heart, just fucking shatter so where? texas, arkansas, or do i go ahead and go to savannah... or do i deny this and stay here, stay here and work...nothing to look forward to and everything to look back too. it seems everything i do lately, or see lately, or feel lately, or think lately. takes me back. back to high school. back to those days. better days?? if you want to get technical, no. but i was too fucked up too know. everything's fabulous when you're fucked up. just fucking fabulous. so why am i dissatisfied right now? im done with school in 29 days.. ava's growing, and intelligent and wonderful(when the terrible 1 1/2 isnt kicking in) and just gorgeous. and im so in love with her. but besides her, im, ha, not fabulous. i just feel like im missing something, someone...no just something. excitement. spontaneity. that fire. that passion. i feel slightly empty. i feel slightly lost. someone come drink with me this weekend. i need a conversation of some depth. desperate. -------------------------- and i fucked up my ankle, pulled the ligaments. again. so im also pissed off. and its nice to know how i made I’m coming into your town. Night is falling to the ground, but I can still see where you loved yourself before he tore it all down. April 12th, with nobody else around; you were outside the house (where’s your mother?), when he put you in the car, when he took you down the road. And I can still see where it was open, the door he slammed closed. It was open, the door he slammed closed. It was open, long ago. But don’t lose me now, don’t lose me now. Though I know that I’m not useful anyhow, just let me stick around while I tell you, like before, you should say his name the way that he said yours. But you don't want to say his name anymore. Oh, Cynda Moore. Baby daughter on the road, you’re wrapped up warm in daddy’s coat. And I can still see the cigarette’s heat. I can’t believe all that you're telling me, what is cutting like the smoke through your teeth as you’re telling me “forget it.” But if I could tear his throat, and spill his blood between my jaws, and erase his name out for good, don’t you know that I would? Don't you realize that I wouldn’t pause, that I would cut him down with my claws if I could have somehow never let that happen? Or I’d call, some black midnight, fuck up his new life where they don’t know what he did, tell his brand-new wife and his second kid. Though I tell you, like before, that you should wreck his life the way that he wrecked yours, you want no part of his life anymore. Oh Cynda Moore, don’t lose me now, let me help you out. Though I know that I can’t help anyhow, when I watch you I’m proud. When I tell you twice before that you should wreck his life the way that he wrecked yours, you want no part of his life anymore. And it’ll never be the way it was before, but I wish that you would let me through that door. Let me through that door, baby. --- fabulous. it's all fucking fabulous.
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I dont have much to update about. Ive only got 10 weeks, 2 1/2 months left in school. Im so excited, make some moneys. Plus just get outta that, well, hell hole. Uh-oh. So this week Ive just spent to much money. Finished blonding my hair, cut it..and went out last night. And Im getting a kitten in 5-7 weeks. Kayla's calico had kittens. IM TAKING THE ORANGE AND WHITE ONE. Ive always wanted an orange kitty. Ok. Im lame. Peace.  Mind all the blue, she was heading to bed.  Heres my girls, thats my baby sister Tori. Ava's twin only 8 years older.  The GORGEOUS baby girl.  And her momma. HAVE A GREAT EASTER!!!!!!  Choclate, the singing rockin rabbit(to your left), + a peep = exhausting. |
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And this morning I drop Ava off, after battling a fit of severe nausea due to taking a zinc on an empty stomach(Yes I know Im intelligent), I get to school and am hit with just a slap of even more exhaustion, and get all clammy, and BLAH. Getting Sick is NO GOOD. Especially with darling little Ava, RUNNING around. So I laid on the couch all afternoon. Then I get to daycare to pick MissyMoo, now let me explain something. My child doesnt like clothing, she wants to be a hippie, all free, all natural. And more than once her daycare ladies have come to get her up from a nap, only to find my lovely daughter, with no shoes, socks, or pants. And mind you her feet are so fight, so can ONLY wear HIGH TOP CHUCK TAYLORS! That are double knotted..shes a houdini. Anyways, so they hand me a little sacky with her shoes and socks in it. And proceed to tell me how shes been stripping down again. And they finally gave up on making her keep the shoes and socks on. *sigh* No it really is funny. We run an errand, come home. And like every afternoon, I spend the day running after her, telling her to stop and Ava get down! Yep, a hand full plus having over 2 acres to run all over-woo. So we sit down to dinner, and she eats, Good gir, then she gets up, plays, and I eat my dinner. Then all of a sudden, its as if a hush washes over the house, and I know somethings up... I walk in the the kitchen and child has climbed up on the chair and got into her chair(its one one those that hooks onto the table)and i turn my back to get a drink, turn back around and SHES ON THE TABLE TRYING TO GET AHOLD OF THE CHANDELIER! Hello, gray hair at 20! Its nice to meet you. Mind you my child is, 15 months! Shes a damn monkey!! Its her job I know, but still 15 months, some of my friends kids that are the same age are just now getting the handle of walking! Shes mastered climbing the table! Who knew motherhood could be compared to running your own circus, even with just one. keith urban is unbelievably gorgeous. haha random thought. but he is. Ok. Im done rambling. But yes this is what my life filled of..Ava..and School. Fun. :o) Jamie- Ill try to get pictures up ASAP. Im gonna purchase a new digital camera..so. :-) ton'o pics shall happen. Oh but please pray for this little girl my friend Amy took care of for awhile, Riley, her mom, passed away last Sunday, early this morning sometime, shes 6. So yes, she needs all the prayers.
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Since my last update many things have happened but nothing much has changed. My sister is just fine now. Back to normal. Yay! Ava...Ava Ava Ava. My little girl is now a very beautiful, sweet, very stubborn 15 month old. Who is the size of a 2 year old. Swear. 26 lb and 33 1/4 in tall. :o) Oh she makes me happy. But she very very frustrating at time. Very head strong. Something I wanted to rip my hair out, then she comes over and kisses me and all the melts away. Myself, I graduate from school in 3 months, YES!!! June 30th. And then I shall be working and making money. And hopefully is everything works out. Ava and I shall be on our own by the end of August. That'll be great. Well Im gonna try and start updating regularly. Maybe some stress levels will come down being able to get stuff out. Bitch, moan, and brag brag brag. Have a good evening, Im beat.
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this has been a shiity weeek. my sister got in a horrible accident. but yea everyones stressed. cleaning up after eveeryone and our 5 animals. im stressed. depressed and shitty. blah and sleep deprived. ps child support was established..hes paying over 700 a month.. |
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im great. ava's great. asshole still isnt around. im in school now. im thinking about going red...yay or nah?? ava will be 8 months in like 3 weeks.. so everything is lovely. and im pretty happy. ava's the best kid ever. im also lonely. kinda. more of wanting a boy again. just someone to cuddle with, and spend time with. but one'll come around sooner or later. its not a priority, just would be nice. just thought id update here are a few piccers(<33):
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just wanted to update on my life some. ava is almost 4 months old! on the 8th-mother's day. shes the sweetest baby ever. shes giving kisses and loves. she loves to cuddle and to stand. shes starting to get the hang of sitting up. shes soooo happy aaallll the time. shes eating peaches(her fave), applesauce and cereal. not by choice though she makes awful faces. its so cute. but of course she still prefers the boob. she'll take a bottle only if im not home. she has a favorite blanket-pink chinelle and satin, and a favorite toy. shes just amazing. i love her sooo much. im starting school on may 9th. CC's Cosmetology College. im SO excited, yet i dont wanna leave my baby. but its gotta happen ive got her in a home daycare that is specifically for infants and toddlers. so she'll be fine. it'll just be hard. and i'll cry. but if everything goes as planned ill graduate on june 30th 2006. :o) that exciting. and THANK GOD! but it still blows me away that her--other half? could not love her..like i do. or at all. shes awake now. :oD pictures soon. xoxo
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Ava Kai was born on Sat, Jan 8. At 4:19 p.m. She weighs 8 lbs 6 oz. and is 18 inches long. We're both happy and healthy..and my labor was EASY. epidurals are...wonderful. to say the least. :o) she has her check-up tomorrow. and yea. its great. i love being a mommy. except at a.m. hours when she wont sleep. aah. but her seeing her face in the morning. its great. and i have honestly never been happier. this love. is better than any love. i could ever have imagined. click here for her pictures courtesy of the hospital. and ill get more whenever i upload them from my camera. <3<3 ash and ava <3<3 |
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and thought i was having contractions. but they didnt really hurt. but it was not normal. and now all the pains are gone completely. i dont think this child is ever going to come out. shes perfectly happy. and right now shes poking me with a knee/foot/something. *sigh* im very discouraged. maybe ill just be pregnant forever. because it suuure does feel like it. <3 edit:// ok so im going through my space. and start seeing people i went to school with. and its really amazing what people can do with.. fading, contrasting, blackandwhite, ect. because oh my goodness. the majority of these people.. who look, "good" in these pictures look NOTHING like that in real life. and im not trying to say im some hott kid or anything.. but i know what i look like..and i know what these people look like.. and its just not right! so dont believe pictures of harrah kids. and just so ya'll know..im ugly right now. my hair is shitty. and my face is swollen and i wear athletic pants + tshirts. almost all the time. and my feet are swollen. but then again..haha im due in 2 DAYS!! wee. ok im done now. |
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unfortunately still no baby yet. :o( little ava just doesnt wanna come out. :o/ but its now 2005 and only a matter of.. DAYS!!! and believe it or not. im not nervous yet. just anxious as hell. *nods* i hope you all had a great new years. i was in bed by 12:20. haha im a loser. but very pregnant or im allowed. ;o) ill be posting beautiful baby pictures within the next 2 weeks. as long as im not too busy. haha. good luck with 2005 guys! xoxo ash & ava |
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but im offically 8 months 2 days. i went to the doctor on monday and she said i have to be pregnant 5 more weeks and then ava is welcome anytime!!! so that majorly exciting. im not nervous yet. just totally anxious. im ready for my baby girl!!! i feel huge. but i keep getting told im cute so eh. my feet get swollen at night. but its all good. im super busy working and getting ready for her. so im obviously not on here like at all. i work, go shopping(for walking), and come home and thats about all. im happy, healthy, and just waiting. hope all is well! <3 <3 ashley & ava <3 |
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i see her crib and bouncy seat and little clothes ive got for her. and im just ready to have her and be a mommy. im jealous. she moves more now. and its great. shes more quiet during the day. but in the evening shes groovin. ive got 4 months left.. or 3 months and 3 weeks. but we'll keep it at 4. ok im going to eat pizza. yumm. <3 ashley & ava <3 |
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i went and informed stephen's commanding officer of our situation. he's such a lying bastard. activated in january??? part of his unit just got back from afganistan..and they have no other orders. so he's not going anywhere..contrary to what he's told everyone. my dad was..pleased(sarcasm)to hear this news. but i was informed by my dad that if we dont start hearing from him soon.. we're hiring an attorney..and he's going to be quiet..sorry. he thinks he can be absent throughout the pregnancy then show up when shes born and play daddy..sadly mistaken this boy is.. ::please note// ive never asked anything more than friendship from him.. for the sake of my child.. and he cant even man-up enough to give me that\\ otherthanthat! ive been working lately. went shopping some. put up her crib! oh its so gorgeous..cherry-wood sleigh bed. i <3 it. and getting fat. but hey thats a part of it. i miss being thin. and feeling sexy though. *sigh* its so sad. but hey! ive only got 20 weeks left!!!!! YAAAY!! im 1/2 way done!!!! goodness im excited. i want my girly here now! she was sooo active yesterday! ok ladies listen. when you first start feeling kicks and stuff.. everyone says it feels like gas or flutters! NOPE! they are wrong.. it feels like bubbles popping in your tummy! its so amazing. and it makes the morning sickness the first 2 or 3 months.. SOOO worth it. but i felt all kinds of bubbles and pressures! then she fell asleep. and then last night..i felt my stomach moving. i was laying down so everything is kinda compressed. so i pressed my fingers where i felt the movements.. AND I FELT HER KICK!! like 4 times!!! im sure i was smoshing her.. but yea..it was actual little kicks! it was! EEP! i cant EVEN describe it!! *sigh* and to believe her bastard father wanted an abortion.. i feel so sad for boys..they'll never get to expeirence this.. and i dont feel sad that her father will never feel her kick.. its his fault..all his fault. *sniff* he doesnt have balls. im so happy right now. im in love. <3 ashley & ava <3
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